Hi Zeriah,
You’ve mentioned a few things that seem like they would be best discussed with a therapist/counsellor who can support you in unpacking the thoughts and feeling you are having. I agree, it can be difficult to lose connection with someone who was helping you process this, like you mentioned.
Unfortunately, we cannot provide any counselling on this discussion board. However, I would like to share this webpage with a list of crisis and distress resources around the GTA. If you are from this area, please reach out to the resource closest to you to get some extra, short-term support immediately to help you get through this challenging time. https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/crisis-resources
If you are feeling comfortable to reach out for extra support, CMHA is also a wonderful resource, and you can check out their website: https://ontario.cmha.ca/local-cmha-branch-supports/ to find a branch near you. They offer support for both addictions and mental health.
Alternatively, if you are still finding it hard to reach out to someone new, here is a self-help resource that you are able to review on your own and hopefully, some of the information might be helpful to you. https://valleycentreforcounselling.com/onanxiety