I think during this pandemic my cravings have grown to increasingly unbearably painful to manage because I’m stuck in my house trapped in my own thoughts. Thinking about past traumas have been all that’s flowing through my mind and since getting clean I’ve been finding it harder to cope with the fact that im kind of losing my sense reality because I want to find a way out of feeling the way I do. But since losing my counsellor it’s been difficult reaching out to a someone new because of my abandonment issues and the feeling of being scared that if I talk to someone new that they’ll just leave me too. That thought stems from being in the foster system for my whole youth and losing a lot of people in my life whether it’s through death like my biological parents or losing a friend because they’ve grown tired of hearing the same thing from me with having constant problems and now having no one I’ve just felt alone.
You’ve mentioned a few things that seem like they would be best discussed with a therapist/counsellor who can support you in unpacking the thoughts and feeling you are having. I agree, it can be difficult to lose connection with someone who was helping you process this, like you mentioned.
Unfortunately, we cannot provide any counselling on this discussion board. However, I would like to share this webpage with a list of crisis and distress resources around the GTA. If you are from this area, please reach out to the resource closest to you to get some extra, short-term support immediately to help you get through this challenging time. https://www.camh.ca/en/health-info/crisis-resources
If you are feeling comfortable to reach out for extra support, CMHA is also a wonderful resource, and you can check out their website: https://ontario.cmha.ca/local-cmha-branch-supports/ to find a branch near you. They offer support for both addictions and mental health.
Alternatively, if you are still finding it hard to reach out to someone new, here is a self-help resource that you are able to review on your own and hopefully, some of the information might be helpful to you. https://valleycentreforcounselling.com/onanxiety